All that chatter

The occasion was a sports event and one that might promise great deal of action. Hence , on  a sunny afternoon , I found myself on a bus that took me to a remote air force station .

At the bus stop , most of the buses went straight , I was to catch one that "bent". Well , not exactly like Beckham , but took a hard right at one of the stops . After six buses had thundered past , with the conductors bellowing their destinations , and accosting passengers , my bus arrived .

Unlike others , we didn't stop to fill all the seats . We set sail with few . And picked them up on the way . Boy , by the time we had reached the hard right turn , we had packed ourselves really full .

A mother with two sleepy children got up somewhere and sat next to the driver . She left an enormous sausage of a duffel bag lying in the aisle . The conductor expressed his displeasure , asked this way and that , and finally , picked the bag up and stuffed in up in the stowaway rack . It was a miracle to see the huge thing disappear into what seemed a very narrow and inadequate shelf . The mother was busy on the phone , and didn't care what happened to the bag or where it went .

 The conductor was young , bearded and pock marked . He reminded me of a young Ghiyas ud din Balban from the Amar Chitra Kathas . He caught me staring , and returned the stare . I might be a sight myself , over weight , in jeans and jacket , trying to fit into a crowd of rustic passengers .

When I alighted , I was supposed to meet my better half . But he was nowhere to be seen . A hurried scan on either side of the street didn't reveal any thing , so I just walked off . He came up later . He was waiting behind the bus stop . He didn't see me alighting either . Hence , no hard feelings .



The sports event was organised in a field . It was sunny but windy . In fact , one regretted having left one's cap behind .

At first we had a very perfunctory and ill prepared speech from an intern , who seemed totally devoid of all enthusiasm about the cancer day she was supposed to exhort people about . Everyone in the crowd , and I include the house wives too , must have known more about cancer types , symptoms than what was imparted.  Grossing over is the right term I guess . The experienced nursing officers sitting next to me squirmed in their seats , when something wrong was uttered .

That summed up pretty much about life . The  most unqualified guys get to hold the mike .


The CO and his wife were supposed to sit in the sofas . We , the hoi polloi ,sat behind . Scrutinising their antics . Co's wife and his mother came dressed identically . In ill worn . billowing sarees , and black coats . The CO wore the mandatory ray- bans , without which a CO , might not be one .

After some more boring speeches , and a slew of long awaited awards , we went off to have tea. During this time , by displaying remarkable efficiency (only displayed in armed forces ), the sofas and seats were rotated 90 degrees . We now faced the ground , and had the sun on our faces . We also sat at par with the CO and his family .

A game of volleyball had been organised , and the said intern was a member of one of the teams . She  got lot of opportunity to show off her skills , each of whom were wasted . She was short and the net was high . Every shot of hers went into the nets . The taller soldiers made the ball sail and sing across the air , but the intern gave lot of points to the rival group , much to their delight .

The CO's wife is a doctor herself . She also is known to be extremely talkative . I was just about to find out , the hard way .

1. No amount of preparations could prepare me for the onslaught that day .

   It was a sporting event , and a boring one at that . It started with an intern , listlessly imparting bare minimum of information on cancer , in bad Hindi interspersed with broken english . The day was grey and windy, and the usual friends were busy checking on the latest breed of e cars . In short , a dull day . Life picked up pace , when after tea time , the CO’s wife , who is a doctor herself , parked herself next to me .

   “You know , this intern is very active . ” She turned towards me . “She is a police wallah’s daughter . She is very much into sports and such like events . ” 

   The intern had now joined one of the volleyball teams and proceeded to throw all the precious throws into the net , giving points after points to the rival group . As a result , a cheer rose whenever the poor ball hit the nets . 

   …”And because my husband left late today , I could wash my clothes as my washing machine is the bed room . The spinning disturbs him . I have a semi automatic washing machine . I love it as I can wash five or ten clothes in it . The automatic washing machine consumes much more water . ” 

   “People must think I am in love with you , why else should I face you like this . But I am actually avoiding the sun , you know , it is not good for my skin . I get black dots , I got them erased last year when the previous Dermatologist was posted . The new dermatologist is pregnant and doesn’t move around much . She doesn’t do ablations by the surgical method , all she does is prescribe creams and lotions . It works for some people , not for me . I would prefer ….”

   By now , the half time was declared and the intern was exhorting her group members to win more points , Irony was having a field day . Her team actually had some great players , but she got all the throws because she was the only officer on the rolls . 

   “The other day , I saw a ghost , more likely heard it . The switch in the next room clicked on and off . I swear it was not just me , even my daughter and the maid have heard it on several occasions . These quarters are very old , and all are spooky and creepy . So scary …” 

   Some officer’s wife called sick with sinusitis , and had to be attended asap. The medical officer on duty left the ground and returned with a small slip of paper , which he handed to Mrs CO . She studied it for a second , and quickly returned it. 

   “Do not hand me over these prescriptions for cold and sinusitis . They make me sick . Yesterday , fourteen soldiers called in sick , and all of them wanted ED(Exemption from Duty) . They all coughed into my face , and I was not even wearing a mask . ” 

   Paediatrician sitting next to me was her batchmate and was known for his epic comebacks . He quipped “You should have said ,”Khaansi Corona , Corona ” ( Please cough ) The entire crowd burst into laughter . He topped it by suggesting that next time this happens , She should walk into the corridor and demand to see the “patient of coronavirus who was here yesterday .” All will disappear , he told to the giggling crowd .

   The game was over and the players were dispersing .

   “You know my daughter sleeps in her room , and I sit in the sitting room watching TV , all alone . I dont mind being alone , as the switch throwing ghost gives me company .” 

   A long thick rope had been brought in for the final event , the tug -of -war . The CO and the intern were in the same team and The CO was going around getting the participants to interlink their feet .

   “I wonder how is he going to interlink his feet with hers . She should not be here . It is a man’s sport . What is she doing here. She will fall down . She will scratch her hands .She will be dragged through the dirt .” 

   The CO’s wife kept making dire predictions .Once the feet had been linked , and the tug -of -war started , She couldn’t bear it and turned full tilt to me . Swivelling all her attention on me .

   ” You seem to have lost weight .” I shook my head to indicate negative . “Your skin is glowing . You look younger . Your shape has altered . You have slimmed down .” The tsunami of compliments continued . 

   The pulling ensued , with shouts and she was temporarily distracted from viewing my skin at close quarters . The intern clung to the rope like a limpet . The CO’s team won , and the CO’s wife pretended to be pleased . Clapping , she again turned to me ” I wore this saree because there was a function to attend to in the next unit . If you listen carefully , you can hear the applause from there too.”

   “Today my leave begins , and I am going to enjoy it . I am going to sit in the sun all day long . No work .” 

   At this point , the MC asked Mrs CO to come and distribute the prizes , to encourage the participants . All the prizes were handed and in the end , the intern was send to collect a participation certificate. Both shared a warm hug and had their photograph taken by the unit photographer . 

   She came back , flushed with success . ” I have noticed i do not shake hands too often . I must shake people’s hands more . I have seen on numerous occasions. ” 

   The meal is announced , and her mom in law , CO’s mother , who had been sitting quietly all this long while , leaned forward and asked her daughter in law , “Shall we ?” 

   She jumped to her feet . “Actually my mom in law wakes up very early , and she needs her nap . Plus she doesn’t like these gatherings with all their oily food . But she has to give me company , so I have brought her . She is very health conscious and does lot of gymming . She doesn’t eat sweets …….” 

   The older woman had finished her meagre portions fast and was standing , when a waiter handed her over a huge bowl of gajar ka halwa . 

   “….My mom in law counts calories and she doesn’t like sweets , but you can’t offend these people , can you ? ”

   CO’s wife took a breather , and I quickly exited , not before I saw the mom replace the untouched bowl in a less crowded part of the table , and winking at me.