The sun was about to set. she had been aware of the growing darkness around her , but was walking as a zombie. Lost in her thoughts. In a different world . One by one , the street lamps flickered to life. The faint yellow glow , mellowed the life around them . Life didn't seem so harsh any more . The yellow light bathed the rain puddles in a yellow gleam. The dirt every where vanished . Even the beggars seemed happier. It was a magical transformation . This sunset.
No one looked at her any more. She was just another lost soul , in a city of lost souls . Buses still screeched , stopped , disgorged tired men , women off to the pavements . People who had somewhere to go to , hurried past her . She was invisible . She might as well have not been . But she was . As some one had asked "Do you matter ?"
She had , during the course of last several months , asked herself "Do I matter?"
She had seen people , children , families survive through worst possible fates . We survive even sunsets , don't we ? When we can survive death and deprivation on a daily basis, who or what is indispensable ?
We surround ourselves with happy things , objects , memories . Like kings of yore , who kept court jesters. And smile and laugh futilely , like the insane. Meaningless, hollow , joy . It rings with falsehood, hypocrisy.
What stays , like the night after the sunset , is grief. Undiluted , unmixed. Hard hitting , soul -less.
She had reached her destination . She had walked all this way to be here . Now that she was here , she was not so sure anymore . She stared at the brick stucco wall shrouded in the darkness of the night , bathed in that eerie glow from the lamps . It was dark , there was no one around. A small niche had a statue of Mary with baby Jesus , in her arms . A blackened diya burnt reluctantly inside the glass walls , blackening the glass, smothering the statue in waves upon waves of vengeful smoke.
She smiled . It was so akin to what was going on inside her , right now . Smothering , choking blackness.
She had to come up for air.
Someone poked a head out in the dark. A faint glow was visible through the open doorway.
"Yes?" A slightly irritated voice spoke in the dark . She was jolted to her senses. She had rung the bell , without being aware of it.
"I want to meet Mother Superior." Her voice shook , she felt a faint shiver go through her . It was not the weather , definitely.
The voice , chewed on something, for some time. Trying to place her , or already did, so she thought.
"You'll have to wait for sometime." The voice said, swallowing. It ( the voice sounded feminine) looked doubtfully at her . She could sense the doubt in the voice. A faint sound of cutlery reached her ears. A faint aroma of food reached her , and her stomach growled . When was the last time she had a meal ?
The door closed itself.Too silently , for such a large door. She sat on the steps . Waiting for fate to open the doors. They didn't , and it began raining. At first , she thought she would make a dash for it . Hide in the alleyway, rush to the convent . She did no such thing. She kept sitting. The raindrops beat on her , mercilessly. Relentlessly. She was filled with self-pity. She felt like the dog whom no one wants , and has been turned onto the street. Water dripped from her locks on the forehead, mingling with her tears. So absorbed was she in venting her angst , with racking sobs , that she didn't notice a kind hand extended to her in the dark , underneath a dripping umbrella .
The hand beckoned . It was a hooded some body . She shivered as she got up. The wet stairs protested , and pulled her dress , stuck glue like .
A mighty thunderclap split the sky open , lighting up the streets , in a vivid flash of blue light . It was Mother Superior. She had probably said - 'come '.But she needn't have .
She followed her like a puppy . As trusting , equally blind . Squinting in the wet dark .
Mother didn't take her directly in. She walked along the pavement , till they came to a spiral iron staircase , a heirloom from the British times . Gleaming , slippery in the rain . Smelling of rust. Mother folded the umbrella , lifted her habit off the ankles , and deftly ascended , waiting for her to follow . This was getting mysterious. The steps groaned , creaked . She stepped gingerly.
Mother reached into the voluminous folds of her habit and extricated a key. A door unlocked in the dripping darkness. A room bathed in warm yellow glow of a lone study lamp . Warm and inviting.
A small cot and a bedside table with a picture of Jesus, a large , well-thumbed bible and a rosary. The lamp stood on top a bookshelf which was crammed with books . A laptop with its charger occupied one of the top shelves.
This is how she liked it . Spartan and practical.
She hesitated on the door mat . It had the picture of a woman with her bangled arms folded in a namaste , steadily getting wet from her dripping hemline.
Mother materialised with a large fluffy towel and took her bag. Then she motioned her toward the bathroom , having handed her what looked like a nightie.
Having changed into a dry nightie , and warming her fingers around a cup of coffee , that had been summoned for her by mother , from some place magical , she sat staring at Jesus, bible and Mother , in turns .
"Why did you come looking for me ?"Mother was , as always , to the point , focussed , economical with her words .
"I want to be a nun ."
She blurted out , before she changed her mind . A deep silence fell , like a blanket. Even the clock on the wall , ticked in muffled gasps. She saw a fleeting shadow cross Mother's face , like a passing worry . Thankfully Mother didn't ask -"Why?"
For it would have involved a tirade for answer, and Mother knew her hysterical propensities, not to mention her histrionic abilities .
Mother didn't answer immediately . That was characteristic of her . Unlike bengalis , profuse speech didn't keep gushing out of her , spontaneously ; another trait of Mother that was much admired .
It made each of her words more precious , treasured almost , like nuggets to be clung to, gospel to be mulled over , again and again.
Then Mother said , in a decisive tone , as if she had taken the decision on her behalf , "Gather your things , your father is coming to pick you up."
There was a stern look around Mother . She didn't ask any more.
Morosely , she went about her task of gathering her wet clothes , now slightly steaming , and her bag .
Outside, darkness had deepened. Rain had stopped . A stiff breeze blew still. Her nightie hugged her ankles. She felt naked , in more ways than one . She had exposed herself, and nothing had come of it .
On the landing , as she made her way to the waiting ambassador, throwing yellow , throbbing streaks on the revered brick red walls and infant Jesus, she turned to Mother -" I will return the night gown tomorrow ."
In the cars headlamps , she caught a motherly look in Mother's eyes , protective , like a parent.
It quickly passed , like a lost thought.
"If God wants you to be a nun, he will send for you , again . "
Mother spoke , almost to herself , when she was on the last step of the stairs . If she hadn't been paying attention , she wouldn't have heard it over the din of the old car purring.
Then , as she slid on the reccine back seat , plonking her wet load next to her , she started at the sight of veiled face of Mother next to the car window. She quickly lowered the glass pane down .
"And remember , everything is not what it seems to be . "
She had whispered and melted into the darkness . She was talking in riddles , like Dumbledore , again . She sighed . Only if she had half the intelligence of Harry Potter.
The moment the car sped ahead , Baba began scolding . All his bottled up worries coming tumbling out .
"How irresponsible of you ? You could have at least told your mom . You were missing after school hours . Everyone is so worried . I , personally , went to all your schoolmates houses, asking for you . Your mom is roaming around like a madwoman , barefoot , asking for you . We almost lodged an FIR at the thana..........."
"Welcome to earth " thought she , smiling , in spite of herself.
" Thank God Mother Superior rang us up . Or else I don't know , what would have happened today . You are the eldest child . You are expected to have the decency............."
So Mother rang up . She wondered why ?
As they neared home , apprehension crowded her . What if there is a full blown drama ? Several what ifs started bothering her . Consequences she hadn't thought of before "running away "
Grandmother stood at the gate , unprecedented . Her pooja abandoned , saree crushed , face crestfallen . When she emerged from the car , She was hugged , tearfully , silently , and thamma went in , wiping her eyes silently . Baba , Maa gave her hurt looks . Maa kissed her forehead and said nothing . That was most bothersome . No one asking her , shouting at her . The lack of the usual , expected drama.
Toton came running into her room , asking details . He was shooed out by Shampadi , the cook, who got her hot tea , another unprecedented event at 9 in the night . All stayed up for dinner with her . She did not utter a word . No one pestered her .
When she went to her room , Maa came with her agarbatti . She waved it thrice over her head , as she always did , before sleeping , and kissed her forehead again . She could tell , she had been crying .
Suddenly she got her answer to the question that had bothered her so immensely -"Did I matter ?"
Then She got out of her bed and ran the length of the verandah , barefoot, her" dhub-dhub" footfall, rousing the household. When she stopped at thamma's door , she turned and saw everyone standing outside their doors , baba in his pyjamas , specs and national geographic in hand , toton grinning mischievously wanting to make a dash after her , making it into their favourite game of chase , held back by stern looking Maa in nightie and open hair , kali-type . She now knew she mattered .
Smiling with relief , She stuck out her tongue at Toton , who immediately stuck his out , back ; a universal language of contempt between siblings.
Baba shook his head and went back to his Serengeti national Park , Toton was put to sleep ,with great deal of argument , and Maa lingered in the hallway , like an after thought.
Snuggling into thamma's soft bed , smelling of talcum , cloves and agarbatti , She understood , when thamma repeatedly smoothed her hair , while chanting inaudible mantras, what Mother Superior meant when she said -"everything is not what it seems to be."
No one looked at her any more. She was just another lost soul , in a city of lost souls . Buses still screeched , stopped , disgorged tired men , women off to the pavements . People who had somewhere to go to , hurried past her . She was invisible . She might as well have not been . But she was . As some one had asked "Do you matter ?"
She had , during the course of last several months , asked herself "Do I matter?"
She had seen people , children , families survive through worst possible fates . We survive even sunsets , don't we ? When we can survive death and deprivation on a daily basis, who or what is indispensable ?
We surround ourselves with happy things , objects , memories . Like kings of yore , who kept court jesters. And smile and laugh futilely , like the insane. Meaningless, hollow , joy . It rings with falsehood, hypocrisy.
What stays , like the night after the sunset , is grief. Undiluted , unmixed. Hard hitting , soul -less.
She had reached her destination . She had walked all this way to be here . Now that she was here , she was not so sure anymore . She stared at the brick stucco wall shrouded in the darkness of the night , bathed in that eerie glow from the lamps . It was dark , there was no one around. A small niche had a statue of Mary with baby Jesus , in her arms . A blackened diya burnt reluctantly inside the glass walls , blackening the glass, smothering the statue in waves upon waves of vengeful smoke.
She smiled . It was so akin to what was going on inside her , right now . Smothering , choking blackness.
She had to come up for air.
Someone poked a head out in the dark. A faint glow was visible through the open doorway.
"Yes?" A slightly irritated voice spoke in the dark . She was jolted to her senses. She had rung the bell , without being aware of it.
"I want to meet Mother Superior." Her voice shook , she felt a faint shiver go through her . It was not the weather , definitely.
The voice , chewed on something, for some time. Trying to place her , or already did, so she thought.
"You'll have to wait for sometime." The voice said, swallowing. It ( the voice sounded feminine) looked doubtfully at her . She could sense the doubt in the voice. A faint sound of cutlery reached her ears. A faint aroma of food reached her , and her stomach growled . When was the last time she had a meal ?
The door closed itself.Too silently , for such a large door. She sat on the steps . Waiting for fate to open the doors. They didn't , and it began raining. At first , she thought she would make a dash for it . Hide in the alleyway, rush to the convent . She did no such thing. She kept sitting. The raindrops beat on her , mercilessly. Relentlessly. She was filled with self-pity. She felt like the dog whom no one wants , and has been turned onto the street. Water dripped from her locks on the forehead, mingling with her tears. So absorbed was she in venting her angst , with racking sobs , that she didn't notice a kind hand extended to her in the dark , underneath a dripping umbrella .
The hand beckoned . It was a hooded some body . She shivered as she got up. The wet stairs protested , and pulled her dress , stuck glue like .
A mighty thunderclap split the sky open , lighting up the streets , in a vivid flash of blue light . It was Mother Superior. She had probably said - 'come '.But she needn't have .
She followed her like a puppy . As trusting , equally blind . Squinting in the wet dark .
Mother didn't take her directly in. She walked along the pavement , till they came to a spiral iron staircase , a heirloom from the British times . Gleaming , slippery in the rain . Smelling of rust. Mother folded the umbrella , lifted her habit off the ankles , and deftly ascended , waiting for her to follow . This was getting mysterious. The steps groaned , creaked . She stepped gingerly.
Mother reached into the voluminous folds of her habit and extricated a key. A door unlocked in the dripping darkness. A room bathed in warm yellow glow of a lone study lamp . Warm and inviting.
A small cot and a bedside table with a picture of Jesus, a large , well-thumbed bible and a rosary. The lamp stood on top a bookshelf which was crammed with books . A laptop with its charger occupied one of the top shelves.
This is how she liked it . Spartan and practical.
She hesitated on the door mat . It had the picture of a woman with her bangled arms folded in a namaste , steadily getting wet from her dripping hemline.
Mother materialised with a large fluffy towel and took her bag. Then she motioned her toward the bathroom , having handed her what looked like a nightie.
Having changed into a dry nightie , and warming her fingers around a cup of coffee , that had been summoned for her by mother , from some place magical , she sat staring at Jesus, bible and Mother , in turns .
"Why did you come looking for me ?"Mother was , as always , to the point , focussed , economical with her words .
"I want to be a nun ."
She blurted out , before she changed her mind . A deep silence fell , like a blanket. Even the clock on the wall , ticked in muffled gasps. She saw a fleeting shadow cross Mother's face , like a passing worry . Thankfully Mother didn't ask -"Why?"
For it would have involved a tirade for answer, and Mother knew her hysterical propensities, not to mention her histrionic abilities .
Mother didn't answer immediately . That was characteristic of her . Unlike bengalis , profuse speech didn't keep gushing out of her , spontaneously ; another trait of Mother that was much admired .
It made each of her words more precious , treasured almost , like nuggets to be clung to, gospel to be mulled over , again and again.
Then Mother said , in a decisive tone , as if she had taken the decision on her behalf , "Gather your things , your father is coming to pick you up."
There was a stern look around Mother . She didn't ask any more.
Morosely , she went about her task of gathering her wet clothes , now slightly steaming , and her bag .
Outside, darkness had deepened. Rain had stopped . A stiff breeze blew still. Her nightie hugged her ankles. She felt naked , in more ways than one . She had exposed herself, and nothing had come of it .
On the landing , as she made her way to the waiting ambassador, throwing yellow , throbbing streaks on the revered brick red walls and infant Jesus, she turned to Mother -" I will return the night gown tomorrow ."
In the cars headlamps , she caught a motherly look in Mother's eyes , protective , like a parent.
It quickly passed , like a lost thought.
"If God wants you to be a nun, he will send for you , again . "
Mother spoke , almost to herself , when she was on the last step of the stairs . If she hadn't been paying attention , she wouldn't have heard it over the din of the old car purring.
Then , as she slid on the reccine back seat , plonking her wet load next to her , she started at the sight of veiled face of Mother next to the car window. She quickly lowered the glass pane down .
"And remember , everything is not what it seems to be . "
She had whispered and melted into the darkness . She was talking in riddles , like Dumbledore , again . She sighed . Only if she had half the intelligence of Harry Potter.
The moment the car sped ahead , Baba began scolding . All his bottled up worries coming tumbling out .
"How irresponsible of you ? You could have at least told your mom . You were missing after school hours . Everyone is so worried . I , personally , went to all your schoolmates houses, asking for you . Your mom is roaming around like a madwoman , barefoot , asking for you . We almost lodged an FIR at the thana..........."
"Welcome to earth " thought she , smiling , in spite of herself.
" Thank God Mother Superior rang us up . Or else I don't know , what would have happened today . You are the eldest child . You are expected to have the decency............."
So Mother rang up . She wondered why ?
As they neared home , apprehension crowded her . What if there is a full blown drama ? Several what ifs started bothering her . Consequences she hadn't thought of before "running away "
Grandmother stood at the gate , unprecedented . Her pooja abandoned , saree crushed , face crestfallen . When she emerged from the car , She was hugged , tearfully , silently , and thamma went in , wiping her eyes silently . Baba , Maa gave her hurt looks . Maa kissed her forehead and said nothing . That was most bothersome . No one asking her , shouting at her . The lack of the usual , expected drama.
Toton came running into her room , asking details . He was shooed out by Shampadi , the cook, who got her hot tea , another unprecedented event at 9 in the night . All stayed up for dinner with her . She did not utter a word . No one pestered her .
When she went to her room , Maa came with her agarbatti . She waved it thrice over her head , as she always did , before sleeping , and kissed her forehead again . She could tell , she had been crying .
Suddenly she got her answer to the question that had bothered her so immensely -"Did I matter ?"
Then She got out of her bed and ran the length of the verandah , barefoot, her" dhub-dhub" footfall, rousing the household. When she stopped at thamma's door , she turned and saw everyone standing outside their doors , baba in his pyjamas , specs and national geographic in hand , toton grinning mischievously wanting to make a dash after her , making it into their favourite game of chase , held back by stern looking Maa in nightie and open hair , kali-type . She now knew she mattered .
Smiling with relief , She stuck out her tongue at Toton , who immediately stuck his out , back ; a universal language of contempt between siblings.
Baba shook his head and went back to his Serengeti national Park , Toton was put to sleep ,with great deal of argument , and Maa lingered in the hallway , like an after thought.
Snuggling into thamma's soft bed , smelling of talcum , cloves and agarbatti , She understood , when thamma repeatedly smoothed her hair , while chanting inaudible mantras, what Mother Superior meant when she said -"everything is not what it seems to be."
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