Me, Ahilya

(Hindu mythology talks of Ahilya, the beautiful consort of sage Gautama,  who was desired by Indra, the God of Gods . One day when Gautama had gone to the river to perform his ablutions , Indra took the form of Gautama, and made love to Ahilya. Rishi Gautama happened to catch them "in the act". Enraged , he cursed Ahilya , and she turned to stone , while Indra fled the scene.)

For centuries I stood
in my doorway
waiting for you
to suddenly appear
walk along the now
moss filled path
and look up from your reverie
look at me and smile
your warm smile

You didn't come
the doorway crumbled
claimed by termites
and ants
the house buckled
bowing to that
awesome force of
nature , that destroys
everything
to rebuild from scratch.

Everything and everyone
I loved , cherished
passed away , vanished
in front of my eyes
like a movie
like the rattling wheels of
the moving train
that shakes shudders
the world around me
twice , in a day.

My love , me , I remained
frozen , rooted
waiting , condemned
to watch the tandava
of creation , all around me
and not be in it.

I paid for your anger
I paid for my folly( if you can call it thus, I still think I was duped)
I paid for God's deceit

I, the moral ATM
to masculine whims
I paid with the loss of life
loss of many lives
a loss so colossal
you can't even
calculate
A spectator hood
thrust on my soul
for no fault of mine

Ask yourself my lord
If I was in the wrong
or was I wronged

Ask me my thoughts
as I stood in sleet , rains ,
howling wind
and blinding sun

ask me if I thought of you with hope
when the sun rose
and what shade was my despair
when the sun set
in a panorama of flaming gold

ask yourself
if your vengeance was
misplaced

Ask me how
it feels to be denuded
by the nature
to be subject to
thousand violations
everyday

to itch and not able to
scratch
to think and not able to speak
to feel and not able to scream
to cry and not able to howl
to perceive danger and not be able to run


ask yourself
if I was worthy of your wrath
or i just
"came in the way"


And the "God "
who did the deed
why was providence
so silent on him

I am not upset
that you
abandoned me
for a jungle to grow
around me

My Lord ,
you will be amazed
to hear that
the cowardly me
no longer fears
the fiercest wild animal

The ones I fear
are those whom the world worships
the "Gods"